I had dreams when I left work of sleeping in each morning, long walks in the evening, half an hour or longer each day in the garden, a couple of times a week learning a new skill and in between working on our online business with my husband (writing and editing for our website).
However, what I have found myself doing is falling back into the same trap I adopted when I was working 9-5pm (or more realistically 8-6pm). I give all my energy to one project working like a steam train at it, and have virtually nothing left for anything else.
There has been no working on learning new skills, or working in the garden each day. It is still overgrown and looking sad and neglected to my untrained eyes (or maybe waist high weeds and buzzing bees and butterflies doesn’t constitute “sad” for a garden).
However, I have finished in 21 days the first draft for our first eBook (120 hours). It has a lot of editing that needs to be completed. And I know we will cut out some large chunks of work that I poured my heart into, and I will need to write more in other areas – but it is DONE; the first draft, a huge accomplishment.
And we have kept up our walking of between 3-6km each day.
And I have cooked at least half of every week (my husband the other half) and I have cooked without processed foods and healthier options than when I was working 8-6pm.
But, I still feel like I am on a treadmill. I still have not yet achieved that “balance” that I long for.
I know that some unexpected financial strains, and the emotional fallout from that, has meant that I feel an internal pressure to “produce” and “quickly”. I have focused all my energies into my writing.
I have an internal longing for a slower pace, more in connection with the earth and the garden and animals.
My 4 chooks, whom we let out in the garden at the end of each day, continue to be a source of satisfaction and amusement and relaxation for me. The same occurs with our 2 dogs and 2 cats. Taking our dogs for a walk at the end of each day is to be thanked so profusely and showered with so much gratitude that it is enough to make one feel like a King or Queen.
But, I know that the change has to come from within me. I need to go inside of me to find that internal peace and that ability to switch off from doing work that will bring in income (hopefully) and focus also on the “cream” of life, the stuff that I really long to do. To find that balance and fight that internal pressure to “do do do” and just “be”.
The change to actually purchasing and living on our little farm will help to facilitate this, but I want to be doing this NOW. I need to do this now. If I do not start doing this now, how do I know I will do this when we are actually living on our farm? I want to stop worrying that we may never be in a position to purchase a little farm, and focus on doing things now that make me happy – working in the garden, growing things, being more self sufficient, cooking, writing, learning new skills and spending more time with people whom I love.
It is about an attitude to life, a flow with life, a connection to other life – and I am in the process of learning it.
I am grateful that we are walking each day. We were not doing that before. I am starting to feel fitter and stronger. I love our time together as husband and wife each day working alongside each other.
Spending time with someone you love, just increases the love and respect and makes me wonder how on earth you can truly appreciate and love someone when you barely see them. Nurturing and loving are more a part of the fabric of our lives now, not just moments snatched in time when we both were tired. They are shared moments multitudes of times a day. I am so glad we have this opportunity.
This is the gift of a simpler life, with less money at the moment, but being together and working together. This is partly what we have dreamed of and we are thankful for.
One of the most awesome discoveries has been homemade chocolate (with coconut oil, cocoa powder, honey, vanilla essence, peanut butter). What a delight! It just makes each day a little sweeter.
Here is the recipe:
I will continue to try and find balance as the days, weeks and months march onward.
It is all part of the journey.